I love the spark that ignites in a client during our conversations when they discover their own solution to a challenge. You don’t have to be an executive coach to gift such sparks to others. And this month is a great time to do so!
The continuing physical separation imposed by the pandemic has folks especially eager to be seen and heard. This is completely reasonable. Personal growth and well-being depend on a sense of self that is connected to and acknowledged by others. a simple way to generate that feeling is to give a colleague the floor and openly see what sparks emerge from wherever they take the conversation. When is the last time you carved out time to do this, with a generous dose of patience and curiosity? With any luck and a bit of karma, you may soon be on the receiving end of such gifts.
You need not sacrifice organizational goals or performance to tee up an occasional agenda-free meeting. People can address their own challenging questions much more often than you might think, if given an inviting space to do so. They may even address your priorities, if you give them the open space.
For example… In a recent coaching session, my client described worrisome misunderstandings that jeopardized the trust between her staff and the board of her nonprofit. Her discouragement was palpable. Instead of offering my own diagnosis and problem-solving, I asked more questions and kept listening. Then, I saw her sparks, as she zeroed in on the smart choices she was already making. She left our call excited to build on her progress with renewed confidence and fresh tactics. I doubt she would have reached the same point cognitively or psychologically without feeling so fully heard and validated by a neutral ally.
When we think we know where someone wants to go, it’s tempting to help them get there with the benefit of our own brilliant ideas. But that can diminish their progress. Professional growth and performance thrive more sustainably and satisfyingly when they involve more inside-out exploration, and less outside-in intervention from others. So, try letting someone stay in the conversational driver’s seat longer, accepting their chosen thought path without judgment or an agenda.
Coach and podcaster Andrew Warner says that “People prefer to be heard rather than helped.” Here’s my twist on that adage: People prefer to be heard before they are helped.
- notice the good stuff within and around us (relationships, agility, innovations…)
- accurately assess the emotional state of affairs so that our actions don’t misfire
- retain our power of choice and see options beyond the obvious or quickest path.
I recently wrapped up the annual AlumniCorps Emerging Leaders program I lead for rising nonprofit managers. Over eight months, the cohort members learn about their own leadership and discover what is most important. Today I feature some of the culminating lessons they shared, along with my own elaboration.
Don’t Wait to Ask… for what will help you.
“I am not particularly good at or comfortable asking for help…. I learned I need to be more consistent in asking for my needs. Many times I wait for the right moment, and of course that right moment never comes.” We do not like to ask for help that could be very useful – whether it is guidance, information, other viewpoints, or more resources. Yet asking for what we need gets more work done well by more people, amplifying our impact. Instead of viewing questions as a sign of weakness view them as invitations to help advance toward a goal.
Don’t Wait to Give… what you have that can help others.
“Even highly motivated, competent leaders need guidance [from others sometimes…] I need to take ownership of my own expertise when appropriate.” We can generously but selectively deploy our knowledge to help and influence others, even when they do not ask for it. We just need to get the “how” right, and then be ok when our input is not always embraced. As a different form of giving, an Emerging Leader noted, “My project has given me a lot of power and trust within the organization that I am now actively sharing with others…I hope to continue to practice this [as I have increasing power] – and relinquish power to make space for others.”
Don’t Wait to Get… involved in ways that scale your value.
“Building allies and talking to folks on my leadership team facilitated the strategy being received well by the broader team… I should continue to push myself to share my ideas and workshop them with others.” When we speak a bit more boldly and insert ourselves in useful ways, we can find more connections, vet more ideas, and stretch our roles. Even “insertions” that are not successful, if done with care, can cultivate joint learning and collaboration.
I challenge you to invent your own specific ways to proactively ask for, give and get more value. Taken together, these three types of “moves” embody a nice balance of confidence, conviction, and humility.
We continue to navigate the trifecta of a growing pandemic, frightening societal unrest, and economic uncertainty. Everyday life remains destabilized, even for those of us fortunate to be healthy and working, and especially for those more personally threatened. Without our familiar levels of human connection — and the associated psychological, emotional and physical benefits, it is hard to be resilient just when resilience is most needed!
I am so grateful lately to the friends, colleagues and acquaintances whose small gestures have boosted my mood and outlook. It’s been a welcome surprise to see just how little it takes. Apparently, boosting others’ resilience is quite easy.
At pre-pandemic levels of interaction, we could express ourselves more fully, pick up affirming cues, and get a better read on colleagues. Our natural thirst for connection could be satiated. These days, I see folks (including me) visibly responding more than ever to the smallest gestures of connection – such as an appreciative comment or affirming email. The bits of validation from others nudge us back to being our more confident, hopeful and agile selves. Just as we appreciate that first sip of water when we are extremely thirsty more than we enjoy the tenth sip, there is a huge return these days on simple gestures of positive connection, because there is so much negative around us.
Since I feel the benefits myself, I am trying to be more intentional about “gifting” others with extra validation. It is easy to give authentic “resilience boosts.” My favorites include giving an extra thank-you to someone for their effort or courage, explicitly validating their concern, praising a capability, showing empathy for a specific challenge, truly entrusting someone, reminding them of a past success, or sharing a laugh.
The bonus effect: When I see my impact on one person at a time, I feel less powerless about circumstances, and therefore…. more resilient for my own next challenge.
Ready, set, go…. Give out some boosts. Everyday.
Let me know how it goes.
I lost my exceptional mother, at 87 years old, on October 9th. My grieving will continue for a long time. But thankfully, it is accompanied by the positive inspiration of her legacy, some of which relates to my work as a leadership coach.
In this season of gratitude, connection and renewal – which is what Thanksgiving is about—I sought out some simple, humanistic guidance to share. I easily found it, as I recently read the scores of condolence letters from my mother’s enormous, eclectic network. She had too much humility to ever consider herself a leader, so I am only now discovering the full power of her positive influence as I read the letters. So many people felt changed by my mother, internalizing the values that she so enthusiastically and unwaveringly lived out.
Here is my take-away:
If I want to take stock of my leadership influence on others – individually, collectively, in an organization, and for societal benefit – I must ask myself this question:
Are there people who try to have a greater positive impact on the lives of others because of the influence of my values, intentions and actions?
How about you? When we can say yes, then we are well positioned for the many other ways great leaders have impact. If people are internally driven to be better versions of themselves from the inside out, because of what they absorb from us, regardless of our level or role, then we are leading for positive, lasting impact. That quality of leadership builds sustained momentum for the many other capabilities needed in ourselves and our colleagues.
Maya Angelou said “people will remember how you made them feel” [whether you are leading or not]. Here is the corollary I leave you with: People will remember how a leader made them better human beings.
The best-selling book Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff (Carlson, 1997) offered advice for living life with less stress by letting go of less important things. That remains excellent advice. But I find I need different guidance now, to help me navigate current realities, which involve disturbing, consequential “very big stuff” far beyond my control. I’m talking about mountains and boulders… in addition to the usual stones and pebbles that I navigate along my life’s path.
I’ve spent too many hours sweating the big stuff — worrying about the next wave of damage by enormous boulders, namely society’s cross-cutting racial injustice and our public health crisis. That worrying usually leaves me with a sense of helplessness. [Note: Getting educated about societal problems is important, but this article is not about that.]
In order to stay productive on a task that is personally or professionally important to me, I now need to do some “hyper-focusing”. I need to resolutely pivot 180 degrees away from the “big stuff” as if I am wearing mental and emotional blinders. This can be extremely hard to do! For example, this week, we all learned that the heroic “conscience of congress” and civil liberties champion Rep. John Lewis died. This is extremely consequential, sad news for our nation. And… I have time-sensitive client work to do.
Much research points to the value of being mindful and staying present in the moment — being truly present, while keeping at bay the frustrations of the past and the worries of the future. Mindful presence, we have learned, is key to accessing our best cognitive selves, sustaining our best physiologically and psychologically grounded selves, and finding our most empathetic selves. This is life-long work that we restart everyday that has gotten harder lately.
So, I’m trying to complement that work by doubling down on task focus. Specifically, I am defining each important task extra narrowly, with extra self-compassion, and with thick boundaries around it.
Here are the tactics I am trying:
- break a task down into smaller tasks, so that I can declare small victories more often and with less elapsed time (before some of my attention inevitably drifts back to the big boulders)
- get into the physical “doing” (such as writing) even when my high quality “thinking” is less accessible, so that I create some tangible momentum for myself – even if it necessitates rework
- intermingle different types of tasks more organically, depending upon the mental energy it will take to block out the looming big stuff and get the task done – e.g., if I cannot draft a document, I’ll prep dinner (and do unstructured thinking while chopping)
- add and prioritize small personal tasks that would otherwise be on the back burner, if they can yield a psychological boost to my sense of purpose and impact. I may check on a sick friend or do a favor for family before I draft that memo. (I can still personally move rocks in valuable ways, even though I cannot move boulders alone!)
- lastly, to complement this intensified, narrow focus for my own work and personal life, I separately carve out substantial time – again with intention and focus — to expand my understanding and my own role around the societal boulders that greatly need collective action
How about you? Even as you know there are very problematic mountains and boulders around that will continue to distract you, could you fuel your best, empowered self if you set up smaller, discrete goals that generate numerous “wins” to celebrate each day?
- The leaders who remain energized acknowledge the small wins even though they are outweighed by much larger uncontrollable setbacks. They have recalibrated what “good enough” and “enough” can mean for the foreseeable future. With compassion for themselves and others, they acknowledge each job well done and the small victories of a productive day even when they fall short of desired outcomes.
- The most productive and positive leaders also generally accept the uncertainty of their environment. Employing tremendous self-awareness, they don’t waste energy resisting and resenting how much predictability and control they have lost. Instead, they focus on today’s challenge with the best forward-looking information and resources that they have. They can do this because they trust that they and their teams will navigate the next surprise, and the next, and the next – even though they do not know how or when.
- The professionals who don’t let exhaustion beat them down also incorporate high quality human connection into every day. This is not about the frequency of virtual team meetings. It is about building in personal connections that used to be more serendipitous. They plan 1 on 1 calls, videos or walks that are meaningful because they generate a bond, or humor, or shared learning, or extra empathy. By assuring themselves a steady diet of meaningful connection, resilient leaders don’t let their physical isolation breed emotional isolation. Their connectedness in turn fuels their resourcefulness and sense of possibility.
- Come back to your sense of purpose. I don’t know about you, but my distractibility has reached new heights and my decisiveness has reached new lows. We are all swimming in so much not knowing! I am trying to focus more on my own sense of purpose – something that I still do know – to keep me focused and positive. When we reconfirm that our efforts — from small gestures to daunting projects — are indeed still personally meaningful, it is easier to accept being less productive, less successful, and less self-assured.
- Trust your wisdom. Conventional knowledge and expertise feel woefully insufficient now. Making decisions with far less information and control is scary. Thankfully, we each also hold valuable, less tangible wisdom from our cumulative lived experiences in our heads, our hearts and our bodies (literally). By slowing down and tuning in to our intuitive sense of things, we can be more valuable to others. We all know how to do difficult, uncomfortable things.
- Look to learn. The complex combination of misinformation, changing information and unpredictability in our lives feels numbing. Curiosity can be an antidote to anxiety. Not knowing is much more tolerable when we choose to be learners. Staying curious, with a lighter grip on what you already believe, has personal benefits beyond getting smarter for future challenges. It creates a bit of healthy emotional distance between ourselves and our experiences, it helps us be agile rather than rigid, it nudges us to try new things, and – importantly! — it connects us with others in meaningful ways.
As a coach, I feel like a navigator – in the front passenger seat with GPS tools and the freedom to look around. I have access to information and perspectives without the pressure to perform that my client faces. When a coaching session goes well, my client clarifies priorities and is energized to act on them. I believe we can all be better navigators for ourselves if we focus on what is most important. Here are two universally useful guides, always at your disposal, to complement your situation-specific considerations.
Your Top 2 or 3 Personal Values: When you know what core values you most want to embody in how you show up, and you remember them under pressure, they can guide your behavior when things get tough. For example, when I remember how important collaboration is to the way I want to contribute and be in the world, I am a more valuable partner, listener and learner. A silent identity-based mantra can further reinforce your values as a personal compass. For example, when I remember that “I am the kind of professional who always aims to be collaborative,” certain choices become clearer to me (even if I don’t always get it right).
Your Central Purpose: By tapping the breaks when I find myself excited, anxious or moving too fast, I can zoom out beyond the challenge at hand and see the bigger end game and my role in getting there. A full sense of results-oriented purpose can be job-specific, project-specific or personal and timeless. When we are clear about it, we have the conviction and courage to show up in valuable ways that are not in our habitual comfort zone, not ego-driven, and not short-sighted. A purpose focus can even make difficult choices feel easier to carry out.
So… before the end of January, are you motivated to identify 2 or 3 top personal values (download Brene Brown’s list of values as a reference) and 1 or 2 purpose statements that can guide you? Whatever you do, don’t let troublemakers like fear or guilt be your navigators!