- Get a broad, clear perspective on the situation, as objectively as possible
- Compare the full implications of any version of Yes to a version of No
- If warranted, craft a No message that concisely includes key information, my thought process (without over personalizing), my values, and respectful empathy for the other person
- Stand by the decision with self-trust and get the backup support needed
A “NO OUTLET” street sign near my house inspired this column, while I was walking my dog.
Whenever I believe that I have no choices in a tricky situation, I viscerally feel my confidence slip away. I also lose access to my mental resourcefulness and my connection with others. Can you recall being in the grip of that choiceless feeling?
I’ve helped many professionals find their way out of the helpless grip and develop their own mind/body muscles to overcome “No Outlet” thinking. It can be a Do-It-Yourself project too.
For example, a manager I’ll call Kyle disliked his job and his controlling manager, as well as his limited ability to make a difference. Although discouraged, he was not in a situation to seek a new job in the short term. By reviewing his assumptions and behaviors with a discerning eye, Kyle found numerous ways to reduce his frustration and increase his motivation and impact. He realized (via experimentation) that he could be better informed and connected by proactively sharing information with and learning more from colleagues without undermining his manager. Kyle also discovered he could reduce his boss’ detail-oriented bottlenecking by presenting information that better fit his boss’ preferences. Lastly, he found new sources of fulfillment by informally mentoring young hires and opting into a task force assignment.
When seemingly faced with a stubborn obstacle, professionals at any level can brainstorm alternative responses. Trust that something useful will emerge if you lighten your mental grip on the assumptions and beliefs that seem to constrain your options. This can involve:
- a reframed diagnosis of the dilemma
- a wildly unrealistic “what if” idea that then reveals more manageable tactics
- choosing to walk away briefly, to clear your head and emotions
- deciding to intentionally do nothing in the short term, while watching and learning
I try to let my own frustration serve as fuel in the search for feasible next steps even when I initially feel helpless and stuck. My favorite kinds of next steps are small, experimental, and sometimes in an unobvious direction from the stated goal. What are your favorite hacks to get unstuck – I’d love to hear them!
Across these projects, I’ve worked to infuse my contributions with “extra” curiosity, despite my usual bias toward action. I know I can do even better, but I am intentionally asking more open questions that tap into the wisdom of more stakeholders. Then, I listen. And then the magic happens… Not only are the outputs high quality and enduring, but the group efforts have been more enjoyable and inclusive. I believe this extra dose of curiosity is partially responsible.
Here are a few “reminders to self” so that I sustain a high number of questions in my daily conversational diet. I hope they are useful to you, as well:
- Agenda-free questions are a healthy antidote to blind spots and rigid or rushed thinking.
- One well-placed, simple question, followed by silence, can be an empowering invitation to others to lead and teach, contributing to a more inclusive work environment.
- People gravitate to curious people, because they are not locked into their own preconceived perspectives and stay calm when confronted with differing views.
- Asking clarifying questions lessens self-induced stress, since learning is more fun than worrying.
- They periodically dip into execution – intentionally and briefly – to inject operational conversations with strategy touch points when stakes are high. They answer critical “why” questions and share information from diverse sources, whether they are asked or not, to provide strategic insight. They then come back “up” and redirect their attention and coordination efforts across all departments, resisting the temptation to handle work they should delegate.
- They also help rising managers strengthen their own “T thinking”. These leaders invite direct reports to step up and into strategic discussions, effectively encouraging expansive, exploratory thinking beyond specific job responsibilities. They ask questions, as well as answer them, exposing functional experts to organization-wide priorities and trade-offs with a longer time horizon. This type of influencing and coaching is especially useful when they have a new manager on board, when strategy has changed, when functional interdependencies are high stakes, when they need to anticipate an evolving landscape, and when grooming someone for a promotion.
I love the spark that ignites in a client during our conversations when they discover their own solution to a challenge. You don’t have to be an executive coach to gift such sparks to others. And this month is a great time to do so!
The continuing physical separation imposed by the pandemic has folks especially eager to be seen and heard. This is completely reasonable. Personal growth and well-being depend on a sense of self that is connected to and acknowledged by others. a simple way to generate that feeling is to give a colleague the floor and openly see what sparks emerge from wherever they take the conversation. When is the last time you carved out time to do this, with a generous dose of patience and curiosity? With any luck and a bit of karma, you may soon be on the receiving end of such gifts.
You need not sacrifice organizational goals or performance to tee up an occasional agenda-free meeting. People can address their own challenging questions much more often than you might think, if given an inviting space to do so. They may even address your priorities, if you give them the open space.
For example… In a recent coaching session, my client described worrisome misunderstandings that jeopardized the trust between her staff and the board of her nonprofit. Her discouragement was palpable. Instead of offering my own diagnosis and problem-solving, I asked more questions and kept listening. Then, I saw her sparks, as she zeroed in on the smart choices she was already making. She left our call excited to build on her progress with renewed confidence and fresh tactics. I doubt she would have reached the same point cognitively or psychologically without feeling so fully heard and validated by a neutral ally.
When we think we know where someone wants to go, it’s tempting to help them get there with the benefit of our own brilliant ideas. But that can diminish their progress. Professional growth and performance thrive more sustainably and satisfyingly when they involve more inside-out exploration, and less outside-in intervention from others. So, try letting someone stay in the conversational driver’s seat longer, accepting their chosen thought path without judgment or an agenda.
Coach and podcaster Andrew Warner says that “People prefer to be heard rather than helped.” Here’s my twist on that adage: People prefer to be heard before they are helped.
- notice the good stuff within and around us (relationships, agility, innovations…)
- accurately assess the emotional state of affairs so that our actions don’t misfire
- retain our power of choice and see options beyond the obvious or quickest path.
I recently wrapped up the annual AlumniCorps Emerging Leaders program I lead for rising nonprofit managers. Over eight months, the cohort members learn about their own leadership and discover what is most important. Today I feature some of the culminating lessons they shared, along with my own elaboration.
Don’t Wait to Ask… for what will help you.
“I am not particularly good at or comfortable asking for help…. I learned I need to be more consistent in asking for my needs. Many times I wait for the right moment, and of course that right moment never comes.” We do not like to ask for help that could be very useful – whether it is guidance, information, other viewpoints, or more resources. Yet asking for what we need gets more work done well by more people, amplifying our impact. Instead of viewing questions as a sign of weakness view them as invitations to help advance toward a goal.
Don’t Wait to Give… what you have that can help others.
“Even highly motivated, competent leaders need guidance [from others sometimes…] I need to take ownership of my own expertise when appropriate.” We can generously but selectively deploy our knowledge to help and influence others, even when they do not ask for it. We just need to get the “how” right, and then be ok when our input is not always embraced. As a different form of giving, an Emerging Leader noted, “My project has given me a lot of power and trust within the organization that I am now actively sharing with others…I hope to continue to practice this [as I have increasing power] – and relinquish power to make space for others.”
Don’t Wait to Get… involved in ways that scale your value.
“Building allies and talking to folks on my leadership team facilitated the strategy being received well by the broader team… I should continue to push myself to share my ideas and workshop them with others.” When we speak a bit more boldly and insert ourselves in useful ways, we can find more connections, vet more ideas, and stretch our roles. Even “insertions” that are not successful, if done with care, can cultivate joint learning and collaboration.
I challenge you to invent your own specific ways to proactively ask for, give and get more value. Taken together, these three types of “moves” embody a nice balance of confidence, conviction, and humility.
We continue to navigate the trifecta of a growing pandemic, frightening societal unrest, and economic uncertainty. Everyday life remains destabilized, even for those of us fortunate to be healthy and working, and especially for those more personally threatened. Without our familiar levels of human connection — and the associated psychological, emotional and physical benefits, it is hard to be resilient just when resilience is most needed!
I am so grateful lately to the friends, colleagues and acquaintances whose small gestures have boosted my mood and outlook. It’s been a welcome surprise to see just how little it takes. Apparently, boosting others’ resilience is quite easy.
At pre-pandemic levels of interaction, we could express ourselves more fully, pick up affirming cues, and get a better read on colleagues. Our natural thirst for connection could be satiated. These days, I see folks (including me) visibly responding more than ever to the smallest gestures of connection – such as an appreciative comment or affirming email. The bits of validation from others nudge us back to being our more confident, hopeful and agile selves. Just as we appreciate that first sip of water when we are extremely thirsty more than we enjoy the tenth sip, there is a huge return these days on simple gestures of positive connection, because there is so much negative around us.
Since I feel the benefits myself, I am trying to be more intentional about “gifting” others with extra validation. It is easy to give authentic “resilience boosts.” My favorites include giving an extra thank-you to someone for their effort or courage, explicitly validating their concern, praising a capability, showing empathy for a specific challenge, truly entrusting someone, reminding them of a past success, or sharing a laugh.
The bonus effect: When I see my impact on one person at a time, I feel less powerless about circumstances, and therefore…. more resilient for my own next challenge.
Ready, set, go…. Give out some boosts. Everyday.
Let me know how it goes.
I lost my exceptional mother, at 87 years old, on October 9th. My grieving will continue for a long time. But thankfully, it is accompanied by the positive inspiration of her legacy, some of which relates to my work as a leadership coach.
In this season of gratitude, connection and renewal – which is what Thanksgiving is about—I sought out some simple, humanistic guidance to share. I easily found it, as I recently read the scores of condolence letters from my mother’s enormous, eclectic network. She had too much humility to ever consider herself a leader, so I am only now discovering the full power of her positive influence as I read the letters. So many people felt changed by my mother, internalizing the values that she so enthusiastically and unwaveringly lived out.
Here is my take-away:
If I want to take stock of my leadership influence on others – individually, collectively, in an organization, and for societal benefit – I must ask myself this question:
Are there people who try to have a greater positive impact on the lives of others because of the influence of my values, intentions and actions?
How about you? When we can say yes, then we are well positioned for the many other ways great leaders have impact. If people are internally driven to be better versions of themselves from the inside out, because of what they absorb from us, regardless of our level or role, then we are leading for positive, lasting impact. That quality of leadership builds sustained momentum for the many other capabilities needed in ourselves and our colleagues.
Maya Angelou said “people will remember how you made them feel” [whether you are leading or not]. Here is the corollary I leave you with: People will remember how a leader made them better human beings.